Top 10 Movies To Remake

Editorial

Battlefield Earth (2000)

How on earth could a piece of propaganda from Scientology go so wrong? More to the point, how did the studios expect it to actually go right? A stylized story based on the beliefs of Scientologists would be fascinating viewing, to an outsider, anyway. What John Travolta considers fascinating viewing is a whole other story.

You Don’t Mess With The Zohan (2008)

An Israeli Special Forces solider dreams of moving to America to become a hairdresser? Sure, I can see there’d be a bit of comedy zing in that. Absolutely. However, if all you want to do is string a bunch of jokes about hummus and Middle Easterners together, then you’d just end up with You Don’t Mess With The Zohan 2. And absolutely nobody wants that.

White Chicks (2004)

Blackface must’ve been interesting to audiences in the 1800s and early 1900s, considering how prolific it seemed to be. With that subtle racism in mind, it’s fair that Caucasians now cop a bit of ‘whiteface’ – but there’s a difference between scathing racial commentary, and this great big steaming pile parading itself as entertainment.

Crossroads (2002)

Do you remember 2002? Wasn’t it was a magical time? Britney Spears was a wholesome tween superstar on her way to becoming a vamp who needed a vehicle to show off her versatility. Instead, we got Crossroads. Since then, we’ve moved on, while Britney’s, erm, “evolved” in her own way.  Could be time to pass the baton… to Miley?

Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2008)

Imagine that somewhere in California, there’s a super computer called ‘ScriptMaker 3000’. All you do is enter the protagonist (‘mall cop’), the setting (‘shopping centre’), and the arc (‘aspiring but failed cop’), and it pumps out a script that checks all the requisite “Hollywood” boxes. Actually, don’t just imagine it – simply check the writing credit for Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

The Star Wars “prequels” (1999-2005)

To be fair, it’d be hard to make prequels to the original legendary Star Wars trilogy that didn’t disappoint the hardcore geeks who were already salivating at the series’ return. But George Lucas could’ve, y’know… tried. It kicked off with Jar Jar Binks’ faint racism - which was bizarrely designed to appeal to children - and went downhill from there.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

As a young Nintendo fanboi, it hurt to admit that Super Mario Bros. was out and out bad. Totally savaged my video game heroes, Mario and Luigi - who they bestowed the names ‘Mario Mario’ and ’Luigi Mario’. Obviously the concept still has legs – they continue to make games - but maybe next time actually follow the plot of the games, rather than just blatantly abusing the character’s names.

Catwoman (2004)

Speaking of ways to annoy a devoted, slavish fanbase, have you seen Catwoman? Amped up by the Batman movies – including an appearance of Catwoman in the guise of a sultry Michelle Pfeiffer – fans were hoping for the feline chick to have an awesome movie of her own. Even despite the tacky ‘catsuit’ and the fact she now has super powers that clearly didn’t exist in the comic. They’re still waiting.

Gigli (2003)

So you’re a studio boss, and you’re given a story about a lesbian criminal, a tough-guy hit man (who has a heart of gold), and a retarded man who – bizarrely – all become best friends through a hostage situation, understandably you’d be a tad reluctant. But wait a second, the “it” celebrity couple Bennifer have signed on! You’re in, but only later would you realise that not even a complete rewrite could save this horrible stinking mess parading as a movie.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1992)

You know, it just feels like there should’ve been so much more to 1992’s Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Sure, it was a fun little romp that had the “dreamy” Luke Perry, but with the writer walking away from the project never to return - like he did – then it’s safe to assume something must’ve gone off the tracks. Sad to see so much potential go to waste… Oh, what’s that you say? A whole TV series, ya reckon? With a cult following…?! No way…

Josh Dare, Citysearch

Got any other movies your think deserve a good overhaul? Write a comment.