The Worst Movies of 2009

Editorial

Good day, 2010. Welcome. Before you showed up, the previous year was a time of much cinematic excitement and promise, as the abundance of films being released suggested a lot of gold would be uncovered throughout the 12-month calendar cycle.

As anticipated, many a top movie reached our cinemas last year. More painfully, yet equally expected, was how many lousy flicks soiled our screens in 2009. Yes, we’re still trying to scratch out our eyes and lobby movie-makers to give us back our wasted time – and hard-earned pennies, which were exchanged for a variety of lame, offensive or annoying cinema visits.

In no particular order (because it’s hard to stack rubbish in a neat pile), the “top” 10 worst films of 2009 are as follows. We pray you didn’t see them. Because that would be sad, disturbing and regrettable.

THE INVENTION OF LYING

The Officeand Extras main-man Ricky Gervais is funny. That’s a matter of public record. But his shift to Hollywood somehow resulted in his comedy skills being left at customs, culminating in this truly atrocious star-studded turkey (EVERYONE from Tina Fey to Jason Bateman and Edward Norton cameo) about Gervais telling porky pies in an honest world. Can you handle the truth? Star-writer-director Gervais delivered a limp, muddleheaded and largely joke-free dud. Cross our heart.

Dishonourable Mention: Couple’s Retreat – Did the same thing as Gervais’ clanger, by wasting a fantastic cast (again, including Bateman) on a shipwrecked voyage to laugh-free waters.

THE UGLY TRUTH

A battle of the sexes rom-com which promised to be raunchy and adult and risky. It wasn’t. Instead, an insipid Katherine Heigl and lumbering Gerard Butler (under the shoddy guidance of Australian director Robert Luketic) cranked out one of the most dated and dimly offensive man/woman exercises since the Kyle and Jackie O Show.

Dishonourable Mention: Tough to pick just one, as it’s been a dark year for mainstream Hollywood rom-coms (All About Steve and Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past sucked hard). But My Big Fat Greek Wedding “star” Nia Vardalos’ appalling My Life In Ruins is well summarised by the fourth word in its title.

KNOWING

Shudder. In a year when the sci-fi genre handed down some crackers – Star Trek, District 9, Moon – Australian director Alex Proyas’ ham-fisted “end of the world” malarkey was a stodge of Nicolas Cage overdoing his Nicolas-Cage thang, laughable prophecies, spluttering tension and one of the most unintentionally hilarious finales of 2009. White rabbits, anyone?

Dishonourable Mention: Some liked it, but most turned up their pokemons at Dragonball: Evolution, a hyper-haired kids actioner which pushed its cartoonishness to breaking point.

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN

Disappointing, much? Michael Bay’s humungous follow-up to the big, breezy Transformers movie did what everybody was amazed he did not do with the first film. Forgetting we all don’t mind a bit of storyline or cool characters or decent ideas with our big-budget special-effects extravaganzas, Bay unleashed an undeniably impressive canon of rumbling robots – but gave us NOTHING else but a headache and that hollow feeling inside. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.     

Dishonourable Mention: X-Men Origins: Wolverine – Sorry, Hugh, but along with Bay’s blow-out, you starred in 2009’s other most underwhelming blockbuster. Wolverine’s first solo flight should have soared. Instead, it crashed. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

FRIDAY THE 13^TH

Horror movie remakes continued to stink up the joint in 2009, none more pungent and rank than this no-brainer rehash of a slasher series which already had given us 11 films. Rather than invent anything new, those responsible for this gory slop just went back to the beginning, and shamelessly trotted out a dopey repeat of the “stupid teens get hacked up” scenario. Blerg.

Dishonourable Mention: Prey – Because no one went to see Prey and it never sounded like a good idea anyway, we will give The Worst Australian Film Of 2009 a break. No doubt Natalie Bassingthwaite hopes future casting agents do the same thing, and forgive her appearing in this astonishingly amateur “candy horror” disaster.

G-FORCE

Secret agent guinea pigs in a blockbuster action family comedy. Sounds awesome, right? Wrong for so many reasons – you can start with the daggy one-liners and finish with how EVERY little fuzzy character wasn’t cute or cuddly or likeable or cool – this all-ages furball didn’t even muster cracking action to distract us from how its cage needed to be cleaned. Pronto.

Dishonourable mention: Planet 51 – In a terrific year of computer-generated animated wonders (Up to Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs), this promising but kinda crappy sci-fi cartoon missed the memo about how a good launchpad needs to be accompanied by an equally good journey and destination.

UNDERWORLD: RISE OF THE LYCANS

Oh. My. Goodness. Did you see this? Did you even know a third Underworld instalment existed? Where New Moon’s vampires vs werewolves soap opera took over the planet, the “origins” story of why Underworld’s fangsters fight the wolfy ones was a jaw-droppingly inane enterprise. From the year’s most unarousing sex scene, to effects seemingly bashed out with crayons in a dark room, the Lycans’ Rise fell. So, so, so far.

Dishonourable Mention: Dance Flick - While it’s only natural that any film “from the makers of Scary Movie” should instantly join a Worst List, this leadfooted lemon must hang its head in shame with Underworld 3, in the corner occupied by the year’s most completely unnecessary additions to forgettable franchises the world doesn’t need.

FIRED UP

Dudes go to cheerleader camp. You know, so they can get laid. Whatever. American teen movies can be great, even as the smut and gross-out ratchets up. But this criminally unfunny fluffer – blessed with two of the worst lead performances the genre has ever suffered through – succeeded at being boring on all fronts (comedy and shock value). Torch it.

Dishonourable mention: I Love You, Beth Cooper – Had this straight-to-DVD dropkick reached cinemas, it would have pipped Fired Up as the year’s worst teen movie. If you are brave enough, seek it out for your home entertainment, erm, pleasure.

CASE 39

Renee Zellweger has an Oscar and used to be a huge star. But that was then, this was 2009, and Bridget Jones slunk on to our screens in two of the year’s dullest, most derivative Hollywood films. While New In Town (see below) was bad, Case 39 was badder – a mind-soiling psych-thriller which dropped the “is that weird kid possessed” genre to new lows. Co-stars Bradley Cooper and Ian McShane better pray hard this bellyflop doesn’t tarnish their careers as well.

Dishonourable Mention: New In Town plonked Zellweger in one of those “fish out of water” situations which we’ve seen about 3.25 million times before. Yawn.

THE BOAT THAT ROCKED

The Boat That Sucked, more like. Walking the plank like Invention Of Lying and Couple’s Retreat, this hugely promising vessel (stuffed with every British actor ever – and Philip Seymour Hoffman) drowned in a sea of schmaltz and sanitisation, as the excellent subject matter of 1960s pirate radio in the UK sailed on by.

Dishonourable Mention: Year One - Another sorry case of great stars, great premise, not-great realisation. Jack Black and Michael Cera’s caveman “comedy” got one thing right – it was a Neanderthal.

Zach Gibson