Telling Signs Your Music Career Is Going Crap

Editorial

Sometimes in a musician’s life you stumble across existential dilemmas where you ask yourself the burning questions, like, “am I doing ok?”, “is this thing working?”, “does a two star review really mean that I suck arse?”

One must ponder such conundrums with equal parts trepidation and consideration.  It’s not easy facing the strange, and sometimes it takes more than a gentle nudge to snap one out of his or her delusional rapture.

Here’s a couple of telling signs things are going tits up for you…

Finding your CDs in OP Shops
Sure, this happens to artists of all rank across the globe, but it’s when you see 2 or 3 of your albums filed next to Neil Diamond’s Hot August Night you do need to worry. Even worse is when you see a couple of “Nice Price” stickers on the jewel cases, meaning the original owner bought them at a ridiculously low bargain bin price on the way out of JB Hi-Fi. The fact that they dumped them at an op shop and didn’t try to get money for them at Dixons means they really wanted to get rid of them.

Paying full price to go to your friend’s gigs
This particularly sucks when the so-called friends in question were only a couple of years ago kissing you’re arse for support slots. Watching your up-and-comer mates rise up and surpass where you and your career was can sometimes hurt to watch, but nothing makes it worse than being directed to management to get your name on the door, only to be told the guest list is full. A leading item on your new S#!t list.

Getting knocked back at Qantas Club
Sure, you’re waiting for “that” gig money to come through but the lovely folk at Qantas will only give you 28 days to renew your membership, despite how many miles you might have flown over the years. Otherwise it’s back to the food court for you until you work out where that $585 renewal fee is going to come from.
“Whopper Junior combo for Dave?”

Boiling Guitar Strings for second usage
Enough said.

Using bread ties as plectrums
When things get this rough that you can’t even spare 50c for a guitar pick, it’s probably time you popped your head in at Centrelink just to see how things are going. Just to see how much a fortnightly dole payment is worth these days. Just to see if you can lodge online. Just…um…get in the queue like everyone else I’d say.

Wally Kempton forgets who you are
For those not familiar with Wal Kempton, (a.k.a. Wally Meanie from The Meanies and Even fame) he’s the guy about town that knows absolutely everyone and has 3 million Facebook friends. Any artist travelling through Melbourne would have no doubt come across Wally at some stage in their travels. He’s the super hospitable and charismatic go to guy for all things fun, (and sometimes band booker/tour manager) in music, and should he for some reason stumble on remembering who you are you’d really have to take a good hard Captain Cook at yourself and consider what plan B career would be like instead.

So there you have it. The Grim Reaper comes in many forms people. Stay aware, and try and identify early symptoms before getting a live slot on Kerri-Anne becomes the sole purpose of your musical existence.

These messages were brought to you by the rock ’n’ roll school of hard knocks with special comments by enigmatic Dallas Crane guitar playing fret maestro Pete Satchell.
 

Dave Larkin, Citysearch

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