Beginner's Guide to Spring Cleaning

Editorial

Historians have a great many issues about which to argue and the origins of domestic cleaning are not usually among them. We don’t know why there has been a long tradition in western culture of shaking down the house in preparation for the warmer months. What we do know, however, is that for many of us, the practice has felt damn good for centuries.

There are, of course, a host of terribly practical reasons to arm yourself with ostrich feathers and sudsy buckets. The spring clean helps you keep an inventory of all of the items in your home; prompting you, perhaps to take a stab at a Garage Sale and to avoid doubling up unnecessarily on household purchases. It reminds you to perform necessary safety maintenance on gutters, trees and fire alarms. As a calorie-burn, it’s a very under-rated program. Significantly, it can also help minimise allergens in your home.

Of course, the actual exercise of safeguarding your home against irritants like black mould or dust can itself be allergenic hell. If you’re asthmatic or a little wheezy, consider the purchase of a protective mask after seeking advice from your local asthma body. When vacuuming, you might also consider doing so with a HEPA Filter and you must exercise caution when purchasing cleaning products.

Actually, everyone should exercise caution when selecting a cleaning product. There’s far too much expensive, abrasive and unnecessary rot on supermarket shelves and in kitchen cupboards. But, more of that later. For the novice neat-freak, let’s look at the golden rule of top-down cleaning.

Gravity will not tolerate argument well and it is for this reason that your indoor spring clean must begin at the ceiling and end at the floor. Commence by removing dust from cornices and door and window tops. I like to attack the most stubborn gatherings of dust with a vacuum and then with a fluffy duster; ostrich feathers are known to hold dust well until they are rinsed. Many cleaners swear by lambswool. However, there are vegan options available for the environmentally evolved. Then, I clean with a solvent. Just as you must remember to clean from top to bottom you must observe the “from dry to wet” rule as well.

You may also need to clean your ceilings; particularly in wet areas of your home. If the uppermost areas of your laundry or bathroom are beginning to resemble a Jackson Pollack painting, I’m afraid it’s time to bring out the big guns. Here, you can try natural options. Tea-tree oil or grapefruit seed extract or may work, contingent on your upper-body strength. Dilute these with water in an atomiser and scrub. If your mould and mildew problems are minor, plain, white vinegar in water works a treat.

Any bod north of Sydney might find that the expressionist art gathers quickly in their home and, I’m afraid, this is the time to use chlorine bleach. Don’t arse around with needlessly expensive mould-specific products. Diluted no-name liquid bleach will work just as well in an atomiser as any ten-dollar product. Please do make sure to wear a mask, particularly if spraying upwards, and always pop on a pair of rubber gloves. Those with sensitive skin can purchase gloves with kinder linings.

If mould is a persistent problem for you throughout the year and threatens your clothes and sanity, you may wish to think about the purchase of a dehumidifier.

When the uppermost corners and walls of your home are toppled, you can no longer avoid your cupboards. It is my regrettable duty to inform that every corner must be conquered. Just do it. Grab that crap by the armful and pop it on a floor which, being littered with ceiling refuse as it is, has been just covered in drop sheets. (Or, of course, long before if you have a carpeted house.) And if you have no drop sheets, look in your cupboards, you lazy bastard. Everybody has old sheets or towels begging to be used for a clean-up.

Seriously. Get in the cupboards. Just do it. Become both obsessive and ruthless. Here, I indulge my compulsive tendencies and search Youtube for high-efficiency folding techniques that force me into a sort of meditative reverie of cleaning madness. Just try and tell me you’re not seduced by this 2 Second Folding Technique.

Begin to sort your items into three piles: Keep, Sell and Donate. When this is done, you can return items to dry cupboards that you have wiped clean with a soft cloth and some vinegar solution.

Vinegar is also your companion in the kitchen, bathroom and laundry. If you’ve been a little neglectful of hygiene throughout the year, however, you may need to call on more merciless chemicals. Although a thoroughly unbalanced housewife, I see no real need to bring poison into the home. When a baking soda and vinegar paste does not function to defeat kitchen grease, I choose an American product called Simple Green which can be purchased from large DIY chains and diluted to a strength suitable to the terrifying chore at hand. I found it, and a near limitless supply of cleaning cloths and coffee, removed the grease from my range hood. And, ew, the top of the fridge.

Every so often, you’ll find a task so Herculean it will require scathing poison. I am not proud of the fact that I use Easy Off oven cleaner every-so-often; always clad in protective clothing and mask. But, there you have it.

The process thus far may have claimed several of your weekends, the integrity of your manicure and your sanity. But, damn, you’ll find that cleanliness tipping point where your spirits will soar and your guests will be terrified to breathe. It is at this juncture that you have discovered the power of vinegar to clean windows, the might of newspaper in shining your stainless steel and the charm of diluted methylated spirit on timber floors and baking soda on carpets.

But, I’d be spoiling your hyper-obsessive fun by giving everything away. Here’s cheers to your adventures in thrilling new microfibres and fury.

Helen Razer, Citysearch