A Beginner’s Guide to Weddings

Editorial

First and foremost: congratulations! If a rock on your hand or a song in your heart led you to this weddings primer, I couldn't be happier for you. Now that you're here, take a breath. Close your eyes. Allow your mind to scurry back to the site of your original happiness. Remember how you felt when you decided to get married? Remember that sense of giddiness and gratitude and hope and love and promise? Whatever the ratio and flavour of emotions, take a snapshot. Click. THAT is what we're going to bring to your wedding. Let the Big Day be informed by your most personal sentiments.

In an ideal world, we'd take these feelings not only to the event but to every component of its planning. Sadly, however, the world of wedding business is not entirely administered by unicorns and in the lead-up to the event, you're going to experience stress. Try not to worry about this and expect it as part of the process. Stress about costs and logistics is inevitable. Stressing about stress itself, however, will turn you into a Bride or Groom-Zilla. It's okay to be anxious; just try to be anxious only about the things you can control. Accept a certain level of anxiety as part of the process.

One of the things you can control is your budget. A wedding is not a money-hungry beast with a mind of its own that demands feeding. You are not required to spend anything like the national average; which, by-the-bye, is now nudging fifty grand. If you're on a median, or even a damn good, income, this sort of sum is absolute nonsense and will do nothing but imperil your future. Weddings are important, sure. But good, financially responsible partnerships win every time.

A key explosive in the budget blow-out can be the frock. On average, Australian women spend over two grand on this item. TWO GRAND. ARE YOU ON DRUGS? Sure, the dress is fitted. Sure, it's essential to look your best. However, wedding specialists smell your paranoia and charge accordingly. There are a good many talented dressmakers and designers who specialise neither in weddings nor in ripping you off. I can personally recommend the spotless work of Peta Pledger, a Melbourne retro-inspired designer who will create flattering bespoke gowns for you and your party. She'll work on all of your measurements and create a one-of-a-kind beauty that accentuates all of the right curves as, I'm reliably informed, will up-and-comer Hellpixie.

One option for the well-to-do bride is a trip to Hoi An. But we're trying to keep you on a bridal bridle here. So don't go direct to Vietnam's source of custom couture. Stop by Sydney's Cabramatta instead. Oh. And by-the-bye. No one is expecting you to wear ivory. If the abstinence before marriage is important to you and you feel moved to honour this tradition, frock up in the purest white you can see. Otherwise, don't feel wedded to white. Particularly if, like me, you have the sort of ruddy complexion where you'd just end up looking like coconut ice.

There is no need to buy a Wang or to sacrifice several week's wages to a bridal specialist. You will not look any better than you will at the hands of a skilled dressmaker and you'll have a lot more dosh to spend on the mortgage or rent. Listen to me: buying a brand-name gown is bollocks.

Wedding specialists, in fact, add a hefty tariff to every service they provide. Mention "wedding" and you'll see your costs soar. They're betting on you believing that they have wedding expertise. In the case of specifically matrimonial items like flowers and cake, of course, you may feel more comfortable at a business with the word "wedding" affixed. However, a good printer, such as this cheap-as-chips mob who have delivered me excellent, timely results, is a good printer. A good caterer is a good caterer.

Speaking of nosh; the plate is not the place to skimp. Even though you're spending a bundle, it's helpful to remember that your guests are making a financial sacrifice as well. It's essential to reward them with a decent meal. Once, I attended a Destination Wedding (read: stupid idea that is impossible to organise and will end in tears) in central Victoria. All guests had committed to travel and accommodation costs and ALL WE GOT WERE PLATES OF HUMMUS. I was angry and hungry and, more to the point, I was seven sheets to the wind after a single glass of champagne. The lack of food altered the mood of the wedding significantly and, to this day, I have a faintly resentful memory of the couple.

Finger food rarely cuts it at a wedding. Almost invariably, you'll have people of different ages and appetites at your Do and while none of them will object to a full meal, many will object to its absence. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a buffet. In fact, this can encourage a spirit of bonhomie among your guests as they move about the table and a varied spread that includes vegan, halal, gluten-free, low calorie or kosher items can please everyone. Little hand-written notes informing guests that the guacamole is vegan or the jungle curry is gluten free and on the hot side will do nothing but make your guests feel welcome. A buffet is far cheaper than standard catering and can appease both gluttons and fussy eaters. Also, I love buffets. If you're inviting me to your wedding, make sure there's a big old trough of food.

For other services and flourishes, don't knock yourself out striving to be unique. Trust that your taste, belonging, as it does to you is quite unique enough and simply choose the things you think are lovely. Stuff your guests if they don't agree; they're getting a buffet, right?

With the ceremony and customs you observe, again, you should be led by your own tastes; or, of course, your relative desire to please your family and their traditions. If you wish to walk down the aisle to Back in Black, do it. If you wish to honour Odin, Norse God in your service, effing do it. If you want a full Nuptial mass, get that priest on the phone. The best wedding I ever attended was that of my friends Frank and Lynne. Monumental music fans with a great sense of the absurd, the pair held a Hollywood pose as we heard the first bars of Michael Jackson's Wanna Be Starting Something. Frank pulled down tearaway trousers to reveal an all-purple satin suit and they DISCOED into married life. Oh, god. I'm crying just THINKING ABOUT IT.

Anyhow. If you don't believe that unconventionally expressed joy decanted straight from your soul works at a wedding, watch this video. I blubber every time I watch Jill and Kevin's wedding dance. Bring restraint to your budget. Bring creativity to your planning. Bring generosity and love to your big ol' day.

Oh, bugger. I'm crying again.

Helen "Always the Bridesmaid" Razer, Citysearch